Today is Monday and i feel will-less. Searching for reason to exist. Somedays just dont feel like doing anything. It probably what they call the mondays some type of monday depression. I think i live day to day on gimics on some new technology i could buy ,or change the way i walk and talk or make something more efficent.
Just constantly trying to self improve in some ways it feels like a waste of time but in other way i value the experience.
I think it like door opening experience it just keeps opening the door wider and wider until something could walk through the door whatever that is and seemly out o f my hands. Its feeliing of desperate helplessness.
Why do people do the things they do. All for what why are they seeminly motivated on simple things while for others that is not enough. They say trust in the divine and have patience while in the mean whille you are suffering without a reason for any reason. A pain with no cause is most fearfull as the solution is link to a problem which does not exist.
Is it i have too much sugar this morning or i slept bad or its the first time in long time no gimic to live for or it could be questioning of myself of my myselfishness and seeing no away around it right now.
They say the path to the divine is to total surrender to god. I must serve him yet this is diffcult. For i trying to serve with the thought in the back of my head he will reward and protect me in life which is selfish motive for i wish for wishes and wealth.
Probably total surrender to god can only be fully achieved when not holding on to things of this world. but how can i do that. I been breeded this way throught parents,TV,friends and personal observations.
How i can just stop and say no i dont not need these things. It is hard.
They also say that only god could put you on the straight path and if you are astray only he could put you back on the straight path not any prophet jesus or mohammed(pbuh) but only him. Now that i type this i think it is true only him can put you on the straight path if he wills.
For when i distracting myslef with the gimics of life or uses little single events of life to prove to myself for myself that i am on the right path is logically flawed.
For if i was on the path i would be innerly aware and hence to prove to myself of myself that i am on the straight path means i am not on the straight path because proof is self evident.
I wonder nature of gods help is it constant in spurt or like a guidance. I do think it constant some times i feel good and guided and sometimes i dont or pobably i was fooling myself.
I am not a good suferaa i dont want to solve this with anotheir gimic i need to think myself straight.
That anotheir frustrating thing in live do you really known anything for sure . Dont what say i could always be wrong. Even saying i dont known is one sure thing this may not even be true.I probably do known but just dont known.
