Internal Demons and Stream of Consicousness

I work day in and day out and make the best of my weekends with friends
Always learning something new always thinking
Its like a constant stream of never ending consciousness and activities.
Lucky few like me have general idea of their purpose in life i think.
But sometimes you think you missing something or the point or lack inspiration.
I sit down focusing on something and all of sudden I remember something from the past.
After i am totally distracted and emotional shutdown and depressed.
I dont known if it is guilt or my life lack meaningful moments or both .
This happens out of the blue on a perfectly great day.
Like my brain say it feeling too good and decides to get sad.
My Life is good no problems no worries. I am in very lucky position in life.
i think i am appreciative of what i have and known allot others don't have it.
Sometimes i am peaceful and contented but some days i am in fury over thing totally internal
to my head .
Today i pondered some of personally hurtful events of the past. Then i pondered if they dead
and people i care about dead. Then if they live and i dead.
I pondered various dead and live scenarios about various peoples i care for , dont care for and other.

I live the death moments in my head with feeling and everything .
I imagined watching them and myself in our graves with great clarity in all various scenarios.

It was depressing and awakening .I realized I don’t really hate anybody. Nobody really hurt me.
People are product of whatever influences them. Every body is product of something it seems.
So people who hurt me they were just being them selves they could not help it because they
are just reflection of product of their life influences.
Similarly the people i hurt also i was just product of my internal and external influences.

You may think otherwise that people are responsible for their actions but this is higher state of mind
that people simply don't excercise because of the product of their influences in their enviroment.

Everybody is just existing on their stream of consciousness and as event hit it they just react.
Constant stream day in day out something fast sometimes slow .

When i pondered my death and people left behind and then the reverse i realized i am not really consciously existing
I an just reacting and counter influencing.

I somewhat decided i will not be product of my influences. I will not react i will not fear or hate.
I think i want to make a difference in this world to some living soul or souls.
I want to feel truly live and be awakening which each moment count the most.
I will not behave as environment programmed me too necessarily. I will not react based on my past experiences.
I will exist as i want to exist as i think God made me my unique soul with it unique properties and
within god commandments as i believe them to be.
I will not exist on the stream of never ending somewhat normal consciousness.
I will try to exist with my purest inner most being in every damn moment.
Existing without fear of appraisal of the world neither will the complements of the world would matter
because i will no longer feed on bitter and sweet emotional viscidities of people. Because it will sway my being from its through self.

Kiss my dark chocolate and milky chocolate in other areas a..... if you feel different.

Yeah Baby!!!

Think about it if you dont't like something you read here what does than mean.
How you perceive life is not like me, or you may have something personal for people like me good or bad.

In the end you are going to dead like a butumn and will answer to how mean full your live was, not for people who talk shit on their blog.
The fact you waste you time to comment whether good or bad is just to give you an emotional feed to feel better because
somebody thinks like you or to give an outburst for somebody who you think talk shit .
It just an emotional feed.
At death my blog would not count for you. How do you treat people who you like and don’t like will count.
How much time you waste on worrying about shit. like reaching on time, if you have enough gas , or what your boss think , or beating the line for lunch.
I had something of a near death experience once(car accident)none of that crap flash through my mind. it was my parents and how they would feel if i dead.The pain i will cause.

Yeah emotions are important they are what truly real in this life.
Like all great forces we float on it streams and waters.
You direct it(emotions) and guide for at death you answer for how to directed it to people. And if you live in it you will be at its mercy.

i will understand my reality and do what is necessary . I will try not to fear consequences or be motivated to rewards.
i will try to rise above my past pains and glories and reflect upon them to understand my inner nature.
I will try not to let my inner nature be contorted by pains and glory, fear and reward.

Dont mind i use the word try alot. I dont really mean try all the time. For achieving mental states the act of trying will defeat the purpose.Keep this in mind.