Broken Teacup Farewell

 

Broke my tea cup at 17:51. Painted/Glazed it at Canadian pottery store. Just right size & shape triple coated it deep red with inside level lines. I was content & at peace with this cup.
It fell from my hands. Quickly swept it before any one noticed.
I am sad and unforgiven to myself.
I live with inner pains on various matters in secret. I like to tell someone but it feels shameful. Allah's knows at least.
Not being recognized as having feelings sucks. I probably did it to others unknowly now its happens to me. I remind myself important humans in my life are well & pain of there detriment will be a different degree of anguish.
I wonder if anyone will notice it missing?

I miss you teacup.
Maybe i get you back on the "other" side .

 One Year Later from last post.

I live in a catastrophic feeling now lol . But it is not horrible.  Habituation of the mind works. 

13th Day of fasting much progress physically. Mentally not so much.

Saw a study where it implied much of the angst of fasting is mental & depends on  expectations before fasting. Me think its true. 

Life problems from last year still persist in a big way. Need to break my current rhythm of life. But at the same time important things were achieved. I am thankful. 

Reviewing my past blog post I still believe I am right but at the same time very wrong about what underpins my motivation behind the reasoning. At least its sincere.

Impressionable Times

 Salaam

Rare times when I awake that dont feel quite right a negative thought that typically has no weight takes hold and grows into catastrophic feeling.

Happened to me with a condition called tinnitus. It took time & resources to control it.

Happened last night about fears for the future. Thinking if i had done differently. Forced myself to remember all the good right now. Took some minutes but it passed. 

Not aware of this when discovering tinnitus. In reflecting tinnitus is 20% medical & 80% mental.       

 

Morning Blues Battle Ramadan 2023

Ramadan 2023 Day 1 .  

Salaam;    Accepting low mood as ok, timed activity & Early light helps.

Chilly when normally will feel warm. (www said its a good sign)

Inner calm at sporadic moments. Not obsessing on food  is kinda nice.  Somewhat :)   

Maintaining big picture thoughts feels spiritual but sad-nice also. (Why: Impermanence is Ans to all multiple choice questions). 

Should you Trust Media & Govt. Message to Anti - Vaxxers

They keep repeating "Trust the Science" or "Follow the Data". People do trust Science generally but they don't Trust Governments and Companies representing the Science/Data is the issue. 

I do believe taking the vaccine is the best solution by careful discernment. People need to educate themselves and see Govt. as a imperfect entity. 

Don't belong to or swear to Tribe of any Govt. I suggest view them as tool for the society to function that is to be understood and manage by its nature.

Over & Out.   

What am I really doing

Today my child was born at 850pm.

Scary but exciting.  Wish labour was not so painful for women . 

It was a Reminder that we are on a journey in this life 

Out of the womb and into the grave. What am i really doing 

iphone 5 is reported un-repairable

Hello
ubreakifix  tech  center  reported my iphone 5 is un-repairable.
I am feeling a sense of loss for an object made by a company and founder i have learned may be more an evil to the world than a good .
Should I spend bunch of money on new phone ?
Should  I switch to Android  .
I need time to think  .
It feels like an end of an era .


Regards
Safraz

Water Shortage , Awareness , Nations and Personal Notions

In my country of Trindad and Tobago we are experiencing a water drought  .
Thus our National Water Authority is excercising water rationing for most areas but not for some other location for mysterious reasons(wm,vs,ta) .

We at home are practising serious water conservation .

You know what i realised ?

You can do alot with a little water  .
In terms of bathing ,  prayer abulutions , brushing teeth etc you perform even better when their is less water .
Less water seems to make you work it more on your task  thus giving you better results then when we had plenty of water.
Thus when water pressure returns  I continue to use it conservatively and actively .

It just like Gas back in the day when it was plentiful  and cheap car bruned it wastefully . Now that it is expensive car burn less also faster ,lighter , better design , long distances on one tank and are more a pleasurable driving experience  .

I wondered why the world/me worked this way  .

I think lack of a resource causes creative thinking . Creative thinking was caused by awareness and reflection of the resource in question .

Thus it seems awareness on individual and societial level can cause progress.  Resource shortages sometimes causes awareness and refelction (when they do go to war fo it).

Other Examples  of this

Example - Gas,  Water , Halal Meat(when i travel) , Jews(hitler caused a shortage, now they have large say in world ) and  AC Unit  .

On a societal level also this is what  differenciate  first world and third world nations . First world nations have a longer existense and  had more time to learn from their mistakes.

People complain about Trinidiad crime and proverty  but when you watch the history channel on USA and England , China they had prolems many times more horrendous than us when their nation was forced to reflect and think collectively Breaking norms of class and money because society was falling apart in a do and die situation .
In a nut shell  - precedented problems causes unprecendented thinking and honest unbiased evalulation of the situation . Think this also apply to business as well .

On a individual level awareness build appreciation .  Rich and poor die but the one who dies with a smile is the one who appreciated what they had and known they did the best with it giving their own potential  and not concern themselves about others who did better.

With some exceptions this is usually lower middle class(middle path is usually correct answer for everything analogy to yin yang principle) because they get a both of the rich and poor side and were fored at times be more efficent and creative.

In  nut shell for me it comes down to awareness , reflection and questioning our reality  . I frequently tell my self   rich or poor ,  heallthy or dieased , pampered or abused , respected or scorn , we will all die . All our doings and moo--ings we do every day trying  to get ahead what does it matter if you are going to die anyhow.

Will you buy ahouse if it will fall apart in 5 five years , will you sacrifice your time for a castle knowing it will be temporary .  Will you acquire/sacrifice for  anything knowning the end is near for it .

Thus logically life is possibly how you do things   and not how many things you do necessarily  . Because if  all your work and progress leaves at death and assuming this world was not made in vain implying something of this world will be applied in the "after" then what reamains is memory intentions and deeds.Because all other physical evidence will die or distingrate eventually.

That the end  .  Just be aware(everything) and sincerly question your self and reality  .

Question
What really matters if you are going die .

And if you have an answer or an idea did you learn it from your family , culturally ,  society  , TV or did you search your self and use your reasoning  . Did you contruct your notions so you will not have to give up what you like or make significant sacrifices of people and riches?

Internal Demons and Stream of Consicousness

I work day in and day out and make the best of my weekends with friends
Always learning something new always thinking
Its like a constant stream of never ending consciousness and activities.
Lucky few like me have general idea of their purpose in life i think.
But sometimes you think you missing something or the point or lack inspiration.
I sit down focusing on something and all of sudden I remember something from the past.
After i am totally distracted and emotional shutdown and depressed.
I dont known if it is guilt or my life lack meaningful moments or both .
This happens out of the blue on a perfectly great day.
Like my brain say it feeling too good and decides to get sad.
My Life is good no problems no worries. I am in very lucky position in life.
i think i am appreciative of what i have and known allot others don't have it.
Sometimes i am peaceful and contented but some days i am in fury over thing totally internal
to my head .
Today i pondered some of personally hurtful events of the past. Then i pondered if they dead
and people i care about dead. Then if they live and i dead.
I pondered various dead and live scenarios about various peoples i care for , dont care for and other.

I live the death moments in my head with feeling and everything .
I imagined watching them and myself in our graves with great clarity in all various scenarios.

It was depressing and awakening .I realized I don’t really hate anybody. Nobody really hurt me.
People are product of whatever influences them. Every body is product of something it seems.
So people who hurt me they were just being them selves they could not help it because they
are just reflection of product of their life influences.
Similarly the people i hurt also i was just product of my internal and external influences.

You may think otherwise that people are responsible for their actions but this is higher state of mind
that people simply don't excercise because of the product of their influences in their enviroment.

Everybody is just existing on their stream of consciousness and as event hit it they just react.
Constant stream day in day out something fast sometimes slow .

When i pondered my death and people left behind and then the reverse i realized i am not really consciously existing
I an just reacting and counter influencing.

I somewhat decided i will not be product of my influences. I will not react i will not fear or hate.
I think i want to make a difference in this world to some living soul or souls.
I want to feel truly live and be awakening which each moment count the most.
I will not behave as environment programmed me too necessarily. I will not react based on my past experiences.
I will exist as i want to exist as i think God made me my unique soul with it unique properties and
within god commandments as i believe them to be.
I will not exist on the stream of never ending somewhat normal consciousness.
I will try to exist with my purest inner most being in every damn moment.
Existing without fear of appraisal of the world neither will the complements of the world would matter
because i will no longer feed on bitter and sweet emotional viscidities of people. Because it will sway my being from its through self.

Kiss my dark chocolate and milky chocolate in other areas a..... if you feel different.

Yeah Baby!!!

Think about it if you dont't like something you read here what does than mean.
How you perceive life is not like me, or you may have something personal for people like me good or bad.

In the end you are going to dead like a butumn and will answer to how mean full your live was, not for people who talk shit on their blog.
The fact you waste you time to comment whether good or bad is just to give you an emotional feed to feel better because
somebody thinks like you or to give an outburst for somebody who you think talk shit .
It just an emotional feed.
At death my blog would not count for you. How do you treat people who you like and don’t like will count.
How much time you waste on worrying about shit. like reaching on time, if you have enough gas , or what your boss think , or beating the line for lunch.
I had something of a near death experience once(car accident)none of that crap flash through my mind. it was my parents and how they would feel if i dead.The pain i will cause.

Yeah emotions are important they are what truly real in this life.
Like all great forces we float on it streams and waters.
You direct it(emotions) and guide for at death you answer for how to directed it to people. And if you live in it you will be at its mercy.

i will understand my reality and do what is necessary . I will try not to fear consequences or be motivated to rewards.
i will try to rise above my past pains and glories and reflect upon them to understand my inner nature.
I will try not to let my inner nature be contorted by pains and glory, fear and reward.

Dont mind i use the word try alot. I dont really mean try all the time. For achieving mental states the act of trying will defeat the purpose.Keep this in mind.

When the Sun is ill?

I always wondered what happen to you . A femine male friend of ours said you were abucted by aliens. If you are who i think you are you will known the answer to the stale joke title of this blog.
Never give my self a chance to see my head go completely bald i completely shave my head for last 7 years now. Dont known if the hair is still there or not. The power thing was a passing fade loss that power hunger donkey years ago in A levels.

I guess i am like you now all about understanding and application. I am married and practitioner of the islamic faith. I aint no terrorist that bad rap given by some idiots and publiced by other idiots.


I am still self centered still working on that with great diffculty.

I dont talk philosophy much again no body around me cares about that stuff. But i still think it much inside my head.

I guess in that sense you were real cool.
if you ever come back to this blog send me an email to safraz@safraz.net .

Like to hear from you.